When I was young (Uh-Oh, cliche’ time!) Allow me to re-phrase that…
Way back when Dinosaurs still roamed the Earth, I was not yet born (into this life, anyway)… Crap! Let me begin again…
When I was a rebellious teenager in the early 1980’s, I had no respect for anything or anyone. I was on a complete and total self-destruction mission and I was destined not to fail at it… “Hurt people, hurt people”.
I was anti-authority, determined to try every illegal substance I could get my hands on and if I liked the “feeling” (or lack of), I would do more.
People, even today talk about Marijuana being a “gateway” drug: A drug that lessens the inhibitions of a person and makes them vulnerable and open to trying harder drugs. I do not agree with this philosophy and believe it is based on society’s need to blame everything that goes haywire with our youth on drugs. I’m sure many of you will wholeheartedly disagree with me and have the “factual” documentation to back it up…
To each, his or her own… I say.
Through my own retrospective inspection of my life, I have come to learn a great deal about why I spent my younger years destroying myself. I did drugs, not because they gave me a great feeling, or because I enjoyed the high. I did drugs because they enabled me to stop feeling. I enjoyed the numb.
I hated feeling. Feeling to me was always negative, always painful. As such, I decided at a very young age that to not feel was my ultimate challenge and was to be my life’s goal for many years.
You may be reading this asking yourself why in the hell I titled this post “Integrity”….Right?
In pursuit of my total self-destruction, I found all kinds of ways to expedite the process…Drugs that stopped me from feeling anything, including guilt or shame and also had the added benefit of removing from me any moral sense of right and wrong. As a result, I no longer had a conscience, nor did I have any sympathy, empathy or concern about any other human being.
I saw you as an irritating waste of space who was of no use to me other than to become my victim. If you did not have something that I wanted to take from you, you were nothing more than a telephone pole or street sign or sidewalk. That is just how insignificant people were to me.
Everyone was potentially a target. People were not in my life to be my friends, they were in my life solely as a means to an end. I manipulated people and situations in ways that would result in my gain.
My mind has always been able to figure out what makes a person tick and with that knowledge, I was able to manipulate them into doing what I wanted them to do while they believed it was their idea and choice to do it.
I rarely failed in these endeavors. On the extremely odd occasion that a person realized what was happening and called me on my bullshit, I would either tell them to fuck off, then run like a scared rabbit or I would turn on the tears and make them believe that they were wrong about me and my intentions.
To say the very least, I was a VERY bad person. Without any reservation, I will say (today) that I was a textbook example of a Sociopath. I was incapable of actually “feeling” anything, but I was well-versed in what a “feeling” looked like and how I was supposed to act to create the image of a person who was “feeling” a specific emotion.
I was able to create the appearance of myself having empathy for another, weeping, laughing, hurt, love, care, concern. I had a full repertoire of emotional reactions in my actress bag and was perfectly capable of pulling them out and wearing them when needed.
I was dead inside. I had no sense of who I was, or why I was still breathing. My entire existence was based on how much I could get from you and how to get it without you realizing what a greedy, selfish piece of shit I was.
You were inconsequential to me. I would do and say anything to get what you had and found it challenging to learn from you the best way to manipulate you into doing what I decided you needed to do to ultimately benefit me.
I would act one way in front of you and when no one was looking, I would act in a far different manner. I had NO integrity.
My idea of truth was based on what I said to you at any given moment. I was believable because I believed what I said. I would defend my “Truths” even when faced with irrefutable evidence to the contrary. I convinced myself that what I said to be truth, was truth and there was no shaking my belief, period.
I did not keep my word to anyone. I lied, I cheated, I hurt, I caused pain and destruction wherever I went. I was a walking greed monster who had one thing on her mind, taking from you.
Fortunately, I am here today writing this post about the horrible person I am. As I write this, I am reminded of the pain I caused and it hurts me. Yes, I feel the pain I caused those poor unfortunate souls who had the bad luck of crossing my path. My heart hurts when I bring up the memories of the heartless and unfeeling acts I committed against those who trusted and believed in me, the big fat selfish liar.
I don’t look back on my life and say “that was who I was, not who I am” because I know in my heart and soul, that to say that allows me to continue my sociopath behavior. I have learned so much about the way I manipulate even my own conscious mind into explaining things away rather than walking slowly through the emotions that I have to actually feel in order to become a genuine human being. (notice I did not say “good” or “better”)
I am that selfish, greedy person with no integrity or feelings. Yes, you read that correctly. I am she. I no longer behave as I did, nor do I look at you and think to myself “what can I take from you?”
I have evolved into a person who takes the time to get to know you because I want to know you. When you talk with me, I enjoy listening to you and learning from you. I allow you to share with me and I care about the things you share. My heart speaks to me and expresses to me the ways in which I can be a benefit to your life. How I can help you, what I might have or might do to make your life easier or happier or more abundant.
I have integrity. I am blessed by all of the experiences I have had during this life. I am grateful for every part of myself and for all of the things I have ever done. I have come to accept that I am the selfish, self-destructive greedy liar and I am the grateful, warm, compassionate, caring, selfless giving human being. I am blessed to be all of these things and to be alive today…and to have free will.
I am the person I choose to be. I act in a manner that I feel in my heart is right for me. I am the same person I have always been, even in my rebellious youth…I refuse to disassociate myself from any part of myself no matter what I did, said or did or did not feel. I feel sad and at times I feel confused and ashamed by the things I did and for my lack of concern for other people, yet I am the only person who is responsible for the things I have done.
For so long it was easier for me to create a wall between me and “That Person” by simply saying to myself and to you “that was who I WAS”.
I see clearly now that in creating that wall, I allowed myself to consciously blame someone other than my self for my actions. For MY dark side.
I am darkness and I am light. I am the sum total of all of my life’s experiences and am not truly my self if I do not allow all of them, even the uncomfortable ones that I am ashamed to have done to be what they are, all parts of me.
Years pass and still I face my fears which surface and become a conscious part of me. I am amazed by the transformation that takes place in me when I face whatever comes and as I allow myself to feel the feelings.
I am grateful for my experiences.
I have found peace in understanding that with every situation in my life, I have been given a blessing. Wisdom gained from personal experience.
The blessings have become my conscience.
Ironically enough, I have come to discover that my conscience is simply the experiences of my life reminding me how I felt when I reacted to an experience I had in the past.
I am a person who loves and is loved which allows me to make choices that reflect this feeling and to act accordingly.
My word is my bond. I say what I mean and I mean what I say…in this I find a sense of peace.
Have a blessed day!