Many, Many years ago, in another life I was a semi-professional keyboard player. I Moved to Southern California during the Heavy Metal Music Craze to seek my Fame & Fortune in a Metal Band.
What I found instead was lots of booze, lots of drugs and lots of phony friends to help me do the booze and the drugs all the while telling me that I was a really great musician….I met so many people back then…Some who have since become famous, many who have since died but most, including myself just faded into obscurity.
There were a few (very few) people that I met back then who made a difference in my life and left their footprints on my heart. Most of my memories of that time are a blur…Half faded memories of a drunken, doped up girl-woman who wanted to be anything but what she she was…Worthless, alone and held down by a past she could not forget.
I had a lot of meaningless sex back in those days. A LOT. In retrospect, I guess I was trying to use sex to make me feel desirable? I can’t say for sure, even still. The reality though was that it made me feel like I had nothing that my only value to anyone was my body for a night or two.
Needless to say, I was pretty messed up back then. I will admit that I had fun. As sick as that sounds, it was the one time in my life where I let go of my worries and my inhibitions said “Fuck it” and did whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted.
One night, I was playing my keyboard at a jam night in Hollywood and after I finished up a set, a really tall, skinny guy walked up to me as I left the stage. He asked if he could buy me a drink. I said ‘sure” and told him I’d meet him at the bar after I went to the restroom…(I had to do a line of speed).
I did my business, left the bathroom and walked towards the bar. He was standing with his back against the bar watching me walk up. I moved in to the space next to him and looked up into his eyes. He said hello and handed me a Long Island Iced Tea. His eyes were the most intense blue color I had ever seen.
It isn’t exactly easy to see the color of anyone’s eyes in a nightclub, but his were electric blue and they sent a shiver through me.
We hung out that night at his place and did not have sex. It was a magical night and one that I still remember very clearly despite the fact that we were both fucked up on booze, meth and weed.
Our friendship turned sexual eventually and it was mind-blowing. The sex was something that for whatever reason made us both very emotional. We continued a sexual/friendship relationship for a long time, then one day he was gone.
I went to his place to see him because I felt like something was wrong and he was gone. He had packed up and left for God knows where.
I was really heartbroken. Not because I was in love with him but because I loved him with such an incredible intensity. We had something between us that I can only describe as a soul mate connection. It hurt me deeply that he had left without saying a word.
Fast forward twenty years.
Social media and the internet made it possible to find him. I did just that. We talked on the phone for a few months before I drove out to see him. He lived in another state, had just ended a hard relationship and was a drunk (according to him).
The magic was still there when we saw each other. It was so strange to me because I had attributed our soul mate connection to the drugs and booze.
Our reunion was intense and again, we both cried. He had changed a great deal but still as intense as I remembered.
I stayed for three days, he told me as I was leaving that he didn’t want to see me again. His life-plan was to drink himself to death and he did not want to hurt me.
That was the last time I saw him. It hurts me still as I write this.
I received an email from him a few years ago, and all it contained was a link to the video above.
I cry every time I hear this beautiful song, it stirs very deep emotions within me that I may never have felt were it not for him.
I miss you Max.