Unforgettable…

Many, Many years ago, in another life I was a semi-professional keyboard player. I Moved to Southern California during the Heavy Metal Music Craze to seek my Fame & Fortune in a Metal Band.

What I found instead was lots of booze, lots of drugs and lots of phony friends to help me do the booze and the drugs all the while telling me that I was a really great musician….I met so many people¬† back then…Some who have since become famous, many who have since died but most, including myself just faded into obscurity.

There were a few (very few) people that I met back then who made a difference in my life and left their footprints on my heart. Most of my memories of that time are a blur…Half faded memories of a drunken, doped up girl-woman who wanted to be anything but what she she was…Worthless, alone and held down by a past she could not forget.

I had a lot of meaningless sex back in those days. A LOT. In retrospect, I guess I was trying to use sex to make me feel desirable?¬† I can’t say for sure, even still. The reality though was that it made me feel like I had nothing that my only value to anyone was my body for a night or two.

Needless to say, I was pretty messed up back then. I will admit that I had fun. As sick as that sounds, it was the one time in my life where I let go of my worries and my inhibitions said “Fuck it” and did whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted.

One night, I was playing my keyboard at a jam night in Hollywood and after I finished up a set, a really tall, skinny guy walked up to me as I left the stage. He asked if he could buy me a drink. I said ‘sure” and told him I’d meet him at the bar after I went to the restroom…(I had to do a line of speed).

I did my business, left the bathroom and walked towards the bar. He was standing with his back against the bar watching me walk up. I moved in to the space next to him and looked up into his eyes. He said hello and handed me a Long Island Iced Tea. His eyes were the most intense blue color I had ever seen.

It isn’t exactly easy to see the color of anyone’s eyes in a nightclub, but his were electric blue and they sent a shiver through me.

We hung out that night at his place and did not have sex. It was a magical night and one that I still remember very clearly despite the fact that we were both fucked up on booze, meth and weed.

Our friendship turned sexual eventually and it was mind-blowing. The sex was something that for whatever reason made us both very emotional. We continued a sexual/friendship relationship for a long time, then one day he was gone.

I went to his place to see him because I felt like something was wrong and he was gone. He had packed up and left for God knows where.

I was really heartbroken. Not because I was in love with him but because I loved him with such an incredible intensity. We had something between us that I can only describe as a soul mate connection. It hurt me deeply that he had left without saying a word.

Fast forward twenty years.

Social media and the internet made it possible to find him. I did just that. We talked on the phone for a few months before I drove out to see him. He lived in another state, had just ended a hard relationship and was a drunk (according to him).

The magic was still there when we saw each other. It was so strange to me because I had attributed our soul mate connection to the drugs and booze.

Our reunion was intense and again, we both cried. He had changed a great deal but still as intense as I remembered.

I stayed for three days, he told me as I was leaving that he didn’t want to see me again. His life-plan was to drink himself to death and he did not want to hurt me.

That was the last time I saw him. It hurts me still as I write this.

I received an email from him a few years ago, and all it contained was a link to the video above.

I cry every time I hear this beautiful song, it stirs very deep emotions within me that I may never have felt were it not for him.

I miss you Max.

 

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2 thoughts on “Unforgettable…

  1. Many of us have ghosts from our past that haunt us still. Like you I just wrote about a very traumatic time in my life. We can be who we want to be as long as we still draw breath, our hearts still beat. No one can tell us whats in our hearts but us, we need not feel we have to answer to anyone but the true person we know we are.

    Liked by 1 person

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