Some days I wake up in the morning and just plain wish I hadn’t.
Fortunately, at this point in my life, those kind of days are few and far between, but every once in a while I get hit with one of those days and when it hits, it hits hard and fast.
I wake up feeling as though I have nothing, am nothing, will always be nothing until I am returned to the great nothingness where I will look back on a life that has meant nothing to anyone or anything.
Whoa is me…Welcome to my pity pot party where I sit around all day and frequently burst into tears for no clear reason. This utterly depressing display of emotional instability and feeling sorry for myself for not saving the world or at the very least, spent more of my life in service to others rather than spending my time and energy suppressing my pain, my sadness and my feelings of inferiority in any way I could.
I suffer in silence until there is no one here but me, only then am I free to leave my crazy head and allow my feelings to run free for a while. The sobs rack my body as they rise from my chest, even they are unsure about their release.
I feel…Yes, that is why it is so hard for me to allow my emotions to express themselves freely. Vulnerability is definitely not one of my strong suits (I prefer sarcasm, or if all else fails, Stoicism). This is not to say that I am insensitive…no, believe me it is the exact opposite of the spectrum for me. I feel deeply. I hurt to the core of my being when I am injured by the thoughtless and cruel comments made by someone who I had misjudged and thought I could trust.
It’s strange when I think about the fact that I have been completely devastated emotionally by the thoughtless actions and cruel words of those I have loved. The walls went up around my heart when I was just a child and grew taller and wider over the course of my life. Protecting me from the evil that dwells in the hearts of many. Thankfully though, not in the hearts of all.
Today, I woke up and felt the doom and gloom growing large in my mind. It took a serious effort to lift my heavy head from the pillow and focus my mind enough to order my legs and feet to walk the few steps to the bathroom before my bladder exploded where I lay.
Fortunately, my muscles kicked it into gear and I made it to the loo in the nick of time. Ziggy, being the best friend a person could ever hope for, nosed open the bathroom door, trotted in and gave me my morning kisses before I stood up to flush. (I love him to no end!) Gloomy moods are definitely NOT allowed with a Ziggy in my life. He opted out on going to work with his Papa today and began his relentless assault on me to take him for a run or a swim. I caved in after my morning cup of coffee. He herded me back to the bedroom, then after I got dressed, herded me to the bathroom for a quick face wash, teeth and hair brush then herded me out the door.
I drove us to a place on the river that he likes to go in the early summer. I figured there would be very little if any water at that spot, being that it is the middle of September. I was pleasantly surprised at what we found there. I will let the pictures tell the rest of the story…
Needless to say, I had a beautiful day. I hope you did too.