Learning To Live

Learning To Live

from the Album “Images & Words” by  Dream Theater

There was no time for pain
No energy for anger
The sightlessness of hatred
slips away
Walking through winter streets
alone
He stops and take a breath
With confidence and self-
control

I look at the world and see no
understanding
I’m waiting to find some sense
of strength
I’m begging you from the
bottom of my heart to show
me understanding

I need to live life
Like some people never will
So find me kindness
Find me beauty
Find me truth
When temptation brings me to
my knees
And I lay here drained of
strength
Show me kindness
Show me beauty
Show me truth

The way your heart sounds
makes all the difference
It’s what decides if you’ll endure
the pain that we all feel
The way your heart beats
makes all the difference
In learning to live
Here before me is my soul
I’m learning to live
I won’t give up
Till I’ve no more to give

Listening to the city
Whispering its violence
I set out watching from above
The 90s bring new questions
New solutions to be found
I fell in love to be let down

Once again we dance in the
crowd
At times a step away
From a common fear that’s all
spread out
It won’t listen to what you say
Once you’re touched you stand
alone
To face the bitter fight
Once I reached for love
And now I reach for life

Another chance to lift my life
Free the sensation in my heart
To ride the wings of dreams
into changing horizons
It brings inner peace within my
mind,
As I’m lifted from where I’ve
spilt my life
I hear an innocent voice
I hear kindness, beauty and
truth

The way your heart sounds
makes all the difference
It’s what decides if you’ll endure
the pain that we all feel
The way your heart beats
makes all the difference
In learning to live
Spread before you is your soul
So forever hold the dreams
within our hearts
Through nature’s inflexible
grace
I’m learning to live

**All lyrics 1992 Octa Music, Inc./
Ytse Jams, Inc. adm. by WB Music Corp., ASCAP.
“Turn That Shit OFF Damnit!”
(Shrieked the voice outside my closed bedroom door)
I remember thinking : “Fuck you bitch!”
I remember doing: Nothing
Yes folks, believe it or not…I was a rebellious teenager who even to this very day loves Heavy Metal Music.
Go ahead and label me. Unfollow me. Unfriend me. Tweet til the cows come home, I don’t care.
I’m sick & tired of hiding the truth. I must stand up for what I believe in and show the world who I really am. I cannot continue to hide my true self.
I must remove the mask I have worn in public for far too long now and say to the world:
I Love Heavy Metal Music!
It has been a part of my life since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, so despite the public shaming I may receive for stepping out of the shadows and telling the truth about who I am, I am proud to say again…I Love Heavy Metal Music!
Whew! I feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, now that I have “outted” myself publicly.
*DISCLAIMER: Before I continue, I want to make it very clear that I am in no way poking fun at anyone but myself in this post, so please take it for what it is or if you feel it to be offensive to you click here: Get Me Outta Here!

I sound like a psycho-freak ranting fool, right?

Ahh…perhaps I am that…OR just maybe, there is a purpose behind this post which perhaps holds a special place in my cold, black heart?

Actually, there is. I began this post with the lyrics to a song by Dream Theater.

Why? Allow me to answer that question by asking you this:

Did you find the lyrics to “Learning To Live” to be a positive message?

Did you like what you read? Did the words inspire you in any way? Make you feel anything? Think? Question? Vomit? Smile? Frown? Confuse you? Create a desire to look within yourself? Inspire you to Draw? Paint? Appreciate the beauty that surrounds you?

OR

Did you find in the lyrics a negative, hateful, evil, ugly message? Did the lyrics make you want to kill yourself or anyone else? Did reading it make you want to go find some drugs and do them until you became a low-life, piece of shit scumbag junkie with no future? Did they make you want to go out and rob someone? Hurt someone? Did they make you feel like you wanted to compromise your morals? Did they make you want to lie? Cheat? Steal? Did you feel the urge to pledge your allegiance to Satan?Burn the Flag? Destroy?Be mean?

If they affected you in any of the latter, please click here:Get Me Outta Here!hm1

When I was just a young rebellious teenager, I was into anything that was not part of the “establishment”. I was distrustful of adults. I had a huge resentment against ANYONE who told me what to do or how to act. I became enraged when I was told what to think.

I was disillusioned by those in authority. I felt that the “Moral Majority” were a bunch of liars who wanted to force their stupid selfish non-sensible ideologies down my throat and turn me into a “Stepford” person. (A robot who would not question, nor seek its own truths-a mindless lackey who would just do as they were told.)

I was broken, but I was not dead. My spirit was mine. Mine alone. No one could damage my spirit no matter how many times they beat the shit out of me,  called me names, made fun of me or bullied me. I refused to let them destroy what was good in me.

I have to be honest here, I did not grow up in a shitty neighborhood. I did not have to worry about where my next meal would come from, nor did I have to worry about having a roof over my head or clothes on my back. My mom worked hard to provide for us, I have to give her credit for that.

So now I sound like one of those “Poor Little Rich Kids” who have it all but whine that “it’s just not enough”, right?

Allow me to dispel that myth…The truth of the matter is I was fucked up from what went on inside my “happy, perfect, ideal” home. This was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned: NEVER judge a book by its cover!

I suffered some twisted shit behind the closed doors of my upper-middle class home. To this day I have issues stemming from the abuses I suffered there in “Suburbia”, right under the noses of our “well-to-do” neighbors (whose opinions of us meant more than my mental health). I smiled, recited the polite mantras that any”good” kid would, and wept in silence.

I found solace in the “evil” Heavy Metal music that caused so much controversy during the time of my teen years. My mom beat the shit out of me every time she found my hidden stash of Black Sabbath, Michael Schenker, Judas Priest, Dio, Ozzy etc.

These were the sounds of the devil! The lyrics were “making kids kill themselves, do drugs, have sex, steal, lie”. (according to her and the general public) This of course was NOT going to happen to her kids, “Goddamnit!” as I was whisked off to our local Catholic Church to “Confess my sins, and accept my punishment for defying GOD!”

Needless to say, my seven gazillion hail Mary’s were just the tip of the iceberg (with regard to punishment). When we got home, the real fun began. Generally with an extensive verbal assault, followed by a beating (NOT a spanking, a BEATING), then a nice long “prison” sentence of two to six weeks (No going anywhere but school and church, No phone calls in or out, and a list of extra household chores that would be done on time and done to HER standards.)

Then, she would place all of the offensive records on the floor in a row, and tell me to sit still and watch her do an Irish Jig (she weighed at least 200 pounds) atop the “EVIL Heavy Metal” Record Albums that I so loved.

I was heartbroken of course, as these were my salvation. My escape from the hell I lived in. I cried. She threw the broken pieces of vinyl at me and told me to “clean it up and quit crying or she’d extend my time in prison and give me something to cry about.”

I didn’t last much longer in my “happy” home. I ran away at the age of thirteen, certain that anything was better than living like this.

I don’t regret leaving. I don’t regret that decision one bit. I never went back. I couldn’t. I was arrested for being a runaway. I was locked up for being “incorrigible” I was told that I was a “druggie” and that I would be locked up until I turned eighteen. I was to be forced into a lock down attack therapy drug program for the next five years of my life.

To this day folks, my mom (when I talk to her which is maybe once every five years or so) states the following: “That Goddamned Heavy Metal Music made you start smoking Marijuana and made you abuse me and disrespect my authority.It’s all because of that Goddamned Heavy Metal Music.”

Click (my response.)

Read the lyrics I began this post with again folks, please. Ironic isn’t it? It’s sad that so many people judge this type of “Devil Music” without ever taking the time to read the beautiful message it shares. Loud, fast rhythms of the drums, shredding riffs of electric guitars, the thrum of the bass guitar keeping it all in time,and the sound of the vocals screaming to the world: “I’m Learning to Live!” God Bless Heavy Metal! You saved me from a life of monotonous sheep hood. Your lyrics made me a better person. Your music inspired me to become my own person: one who loves, cares, and is grateful. You sang to my spirit and kept it alive. Thank You!

I am a Die Hard Heavy Metal Chick, and proud of it!

Have a magical day!

 

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3 thoughts on “Learning To Live

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