I wanted to take a moment and share a couple of things that have happened over the past couple of days in my life..I have spent a bit of time in the past lately (writing), however I do live in the present and want to express my eternal gratitude for the incredible gifts I find in the here and now.
I have been blessed beyond measure in just being alive today, considering the hell I have put myself through over the years. I spent far too much time in really unhealthy, very abusive relationships making the mistake of many women believing that “if I just show him that I love him no matter what, he will change.” One would think that any woman with any sense whatsoever would run like hell from a person who claims to love them as they are choking the life out of them, but, like I said, I put myself through YEARS of that type of hell before coming to terms with the fact that My Picker was broken!
Up until about four years ago, I was NEVER single. I believe that the reason stemmed from my need to be needed, my childhood issues alive and well in my adult life begging me to see them, heal from them and move on. I never left the house without my makeup perfectly applied, hair done, clothes perfect, double-check in the mirror by the front door, only then was I okay to face the world.
That all changed in a day, and I was dished out a painfully cold dish of Humble Pie.
My permanent porcelain dental bridge which was all of my front teeth, proved to be temporary. One morning, I woke up to the feeling of its weight heavy in my mouth. My shock came when I pulled it out with my entire right front eye tooth still attached. Creepy feeling folks!
I was blinded by tears. The remainder of the teeth which held it in my mouth permanently were broken off, and there was no putting the bridge back into my mouth, nothing to attach it to.
I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I cried until I could not cry any longer. Many of you will probably wonder why I just didn’t go to the dentist and fix the problem…That would have been fabulous had I not just lost my job, and had just finished a series of life saving medical treatments, which not only used up all my savings, but as a kicker, left me hairless. On top of that list of depressing shit, my boyfriend of three years had developed an addiction to gambling, I was made privy to this detail only when I begged him to please help me fix my grill. His response was not good, he was broke. I looked and felt like a total piece of shit. He responded in kind, one fine snowy morning by throwing me out of our home with the option of taking the beat up old 1986 Suburban and leaving with nothing but my toothbrush right then, or packing up my stuff and having no vehicle.
I chose the Blue Monster (Suburban). I figured I could sleep in it if need be. The toothbrush came too, for what reason? Kind of a slap in the face from that asshole-the irony of it was not missed by me, I was just too upset to react in my usual sarcastic manner.
Fast forward, present day:
( I will write more on the years between then and now at a later date)
Allow me to paint a picture of my “new” self which will help you understand just how amazing what has transpired in my life since that time: I have developed Alopecia,which is a medical condition that causes hair loss (bald patches), I have been unable to get enough money saved to get my dental problem solved, thus I am toothless, I am unemployed and unable to get unemployment because I worked for a non-profit organization.
Can it get any worse? Why yes, it COULD. I would rather focus on what I have to be grateful for these days. For whatever reason, after taking a little over two years off from relationships (I am sure that my looks had a great deal to do with that!) A man came into my life who apparently had some vision issues (ha ha). He and I became friends, enjoyed spending time together, and ended up in a relationship after a short while. He’s not perfect, and that’s wonderful! He is me, and I am him…We share a common past, and are both givers in this world of takers. Two years have gone by now,and we have yet to have an actual fight, or serious argument. It’s comfortable with us, and I know without a doubt that he loves me for who I truly am. God knows, it sure as hell ain’t my looks!
He is why I started writing this morning. Yesterday, his only day off since the middle of May, he got a call from a man who needed to have his swamp cooler serviced. My boyfriend works for a heating and A/C company, but does side jobs (usually for the elderly who are on fixed incomes) in his off time.
He told the man, who turned out to be an 84-year-old Veteran whom had served in two wars, he would be out around noon to do the work. When he got home, I asked how it went… His eyes looked down, and he shared with me the details about the man, and how he had served our country fighting in two wars. He told me that the man was barely making it (financially) living on “Cat Food” (crap), so he only charged him Ten Dollars. He would have done it for free, but knows from experience that people such as this would be offended if they were seen as a charity case. The Elderly Veteran told my boyfriend that Ten was not enough (He charges $100.00+ for this service) handed him a Twenty, and an old camera, and thanked him.
This is my present. Perhaps there are those whom will not understand how powerful, and meaningful this small act of loving kindness, compassion and humanity is, nor why it means so much to me, but I am certain that there are many who do. My eyes fill with tears as I write this. Why? Because I have been blessed with a life rich in what matters. I struggle to keep my head above water every day, I cannot eat properly, I have no teeth to chew with…yet I am filled with love, gratitude, and acceptance. I am whole. I am not looking for love, I am filled with love, and as a result, I attract love and loving people. My boyfriend has a heart of gold, and despite our being broke, life’s pretty good.